She worked long hours to fight the urges of her own consuming thoughts.
She constantly filled voids of frustrations with fantasies of men she so desperately desired. Until, one day she met her match.
Someone just as frustrated, someone just as furious. Someone just as broken.
Who knew two toxics could make something so right.
Who knew that their love would take all their might.
And whomever got to witness such a love, did not understand, how these two wrongs could have ever made it.
But God only knows, that to this broken girl, it was worth every fight.
So she fought and she screamed until the small feuds lit fire to all her hopes, dreams and desires – burned down with a simple light – of a match of two people scorned by a lovely green monster that lives deep down inside because we all know that jealousy kills when two crazy minds collide.
And then her lover starts to drown in the very things that she thought he wouldn’t. He became consumed of his own thoughts, that constantly filled his voids and frustrations of women, he so desperately desired. But all their jealousy and love did was burn their whole love story down in a fire.
I need to be revived.
In 3 sacred places, mind, body, soul.
I need to ignite the fire in me that I once gave to a faint memory.
To be put to a flame to not burn, but light a fire in my step that I have lost.
I need to be saved.
From a drowning mind of thoughts that are often to taboo to write.
To be saved from sinking into a darker hole of despair.
I need to be touched.
In any and every way possible.
An embrace that will awaken me to the core.
I need to be free.
To allow my soul its freedom.
Of its everyday prison of being trapped in a mind that has control.
I need to be revived.
You never really know when things are going to change. When everything you thought was true and real turns out to be the exact opposite.
So you stand there waiting, with your eyes shut and your hands in fists, and your holding back tears because everything you’ve ever known is changing right before your eyes and all you can do is let it.
You breathe in one final breath, exhale and your black and white world, is full of color.
Life is undeniably the most complicated and complex thing we will ever endure. We never know when the next person will snap, what the next news headline holds, when our loved ones will be gone, or when our very last breath will be taken.
We mistake terrorist acts as confusion when the act doesn’t match the stereotype. We pray and send love, but things never change in this God forsaken place.
We lack an understanding for another persons views, simply seeing “wrong” versus “right”. When we miss the point that people are dying just because we don’t take the time to understand simple human nature – just to cling to spite.
Humanity has declined, hate is prominent, and heartache is real.
I become short of breath thinking about bringing my future kids into a world where hate is ideal.
You would think that life shouldn’t seem this scary, but yet we use weapons to try to change the minds of those that disagree.
Girls can’t walk alone because they’re scared of being raped and boys can’t cry because they’re scared of looking small, but why are we so hesitant to live our full lives in the land that is suppose to be for the free?
And while most were hoping for the “American dream”, we created an American nightmare.
I move through this world with uncertainty, but with grace, with a mindfulness and an open mind.
I hope to create a world for myself to feel this peace at all times even in my darkest moments.
I hope to move seamlessly with someone else just as well as I move alone.
How I move is who I am. Open, free, dark, and real.
How I move is me.
She wept to him “You can’t deny this is something more. How can you walk away from something that can be great because of a fear of it failing? I cried for you so many nights to call and you never did. We’re strangers and we didn’t save anything. We didn’t save ourselves from each other, we ruined each other. Can’t you see that?”
“I’ll always love you, you know that” He said as he walked away.
- K.M.A// Excerpts From a Book I’ll Never Write – 1
What’s it like to grow apart from someone?
Let me tell you:
It’s missing someone that was a constant force, keeping you going, but now just a distant memory.
It’s like the feeling of out growing your favorite childhood shirt and realizing that style just isn’t you anymore and that the fit just isn’t right.
It’s an almost feeling that rips you to the core because you had it and it was real, but it’s just wasn’t enough.
It’s the feeling of closing the door behind them and falling to the floor in tears knowing that they’re on the other side and never coming back.
It’s like grieving someone who isn’t dead, but in reality you just don’t know who you or they are anymore.
And it’s the saddest thing; you both just changed.
You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror and you don’t even recognize them in photographs.
And then it’s 6 months later and you’re spiraling because of this this emptiness inside of you.
And since you both just changed, you realized you lost this part of yourself that you never really asked to leave; everything just changed and there was no control over stopping it.
So growing out of someone you love, well…..